


Only A Flesh Wound

by technically_direct



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Crack, Daddy Issues, Gen, Loss of Limbs, Post-Movie(s), Spoilers, kylo's deep soulful pain, kylo's vader thing, seriously ooc, vader's limb fixation, vader's terrible social descisions
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-25
Updated: 2016-04-17
Packaged: 2018-05-09 05:08:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5526596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/technically_direct/pseuds/technically_direct
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After escaping the Starkiller in a small shuttle, Kylo and Hux get to talking.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“So, the arm thing, is that some sort of Skywalker right of passage or what?” From what Hux could tell from his position in the front of the shuttle, Kylo Ren was not amused. “Because your weird granddad lost an arm, and then cut off Dooku’s arms, right, and then got all his limbs burnt off in that lava pit, you follow me?”

 

“My Grandfather is Darth Vader, do not speak of him in that way.” Kylo attempted to crush Hux’s arm with the force, but was so doped up on pain medication it came off as a gentle pat.

 

“And then he cut off your uncle’s arm, and that’s gotta count for double, right?”

 

“Shut up, General.”

 

“And anyway he had to’ve sliced off a few more arms with the whole youngling thing. “ Hux stood up from his position in the cockpit and moved into the main body of the shuttle, getting a bottle from the on-board refrigeration unit and grabbing a seat on the bench. “Oooh, and let’s not forget his rampage in that village or the time he got trapped in that factory. Shit, he musta chopped off a ton of limbs in the Clone Wars.”

 

“Why are you so obsessed with my grandfather’s history in combat?”

 

“It’s just weird, is all, that your entire Jedi-Sith line has routinely chopped arms off of people! No stabbing, only the one beheading, it kinda seems like your granddad had a limb fixation, is what I’m saying.”

 

Kylo tried to choke him with the force this time, resulting in only slightly labored breath. “My grandfather did not have a limb fixation, shut up.”

 

“Fetish, then.” Hux uncapped his bottle and took a long sip from it. Eurgh, Geonosis Ale was always revolting, but it was that or the Kashyyyk hard liquor, and he was still technically driving the shuttle. If a full grown Wookie could get sloppy drunk after two shots, there’s no telling what a single shot could do to him.

 

Kylo tried to pull his lightsaber towards him, it rolled off of the table and onto the floor. “Darth Vader did not have a limb fetish, Hux!”

 

“Well, shit, did you know him? Were you privy to his sexual desires? No? Were you even born before he died? No? You can’t prove he _didn’t.”_ Truth be told, there were few things that First Order General Hux loved more than giving Kylo Ren shit. “But that’s not all!”

 

“Hux, if I wasn’t confined to this bed you would be dead by now.”

 

“If you killed me, you’d have to deal with Snoke because I’m your superior, and the lovely and talented Captain Phasma isn’t ready to be a general yet. You’d be stuck with some asshole from the ass end of the galaxy who you’d hate more.” Hux took another long pull from the bottle. A very stylized portrait of Count Dooku stared at him from the label. “Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah, limb fetish.”

 

Kylo sighed, long and loud. “Must we?”

 

“When you can sit up for five minutes at a time or drive the shuttle, you can choose the topics of conversation. And seeing as how it’s either my charming ass, the endless quiet in the void of space, or Phasma’s recordings of Padme Amidala giving birth on Mustafar that she uses to punish disobedient troops, you’re kinda stuck with me. So unless you want to face your bleak existence or see the miracle of childbirth up-close…?”

 

Hux grinned at the face Kylo pulled. Years of wearing that stupid helmet had made the head of the Knights of Ren forget how to school his expressions. Apparently watching the birth of his mother and uncle was not something he was eager to do.

 

“We haven’t even started talking about Obi-Wan, who hacked off a dude’s legs when he was still a padawan. And cut off the arm of some random person in a bar in front of your uncle- again, counts for double-“ Hux paused mid sentence to take another sip. “- and did the same thing on Coruscant years earlier with your weird grandpa. According to the holofilm, some asshole was trying to get him to buy cigarettes, so _clearly_ amputation is the correct response. Does no one in your fucking family have any amount of chill?

 

“I’m not related to Obi-Wan, Hux.”

 

“Well, you’re named after him, and he’s kinda your crazy grampa’s father figure, so for all intents and purposes, you’re totally related. “ Hux checked the level of liquid in the glass bottle- not quite enough to make the funny noises if he blew over it. He took another sip, and ran a hand through his short, red hair. “And hell, Obi-Wan  fought that four armed dude in the clone war, right? General Grevious? Literally the only way to win against him is to lop off enough arms that you have a clear shot!”

 

“You can shut up any time you like, Hux.” Kylo’s attempts to use the Jedi mind trick were futile and a bit embarrassing.

 

“Ah, but you see, I _don’t_ like. Here I am, trapped with you in a shuttle with a wimpy-ass hyperdrive, going across the galaxy, and I finally get to give you massive amounts of deserved shit because you can’t stop me. I’m having the time of my life right now. And seeing as how we’re headed to a personal meeting with Snoke, and we just lost badly against the rebels, it’s likely to be the best time of my life I have left, so I’m gonna enjoy it.”

 

“He wouldn’t kill us, we’re worth too much for that.”

 

Hux gave a bitter laugh. “No, _you’re_ worth too much to him. You know how fucking long it takes to train a good Sith? And it’s not like he has any reserves around- there are only two, a Master and an apprentice. If I’m lucky, he’ll send me on a command that just _happens_ to be shot down. “

 

“He wouldn’t kill you.” Kylo Ren spoke like someone who had never learned from personal experience.

 

“No, he’d make you do it, the slow way. You ever taken a life with your bare hands? I mean, you know, other than your dad?”

 

Kylo was silent. Sure, he really hated Hux right now, but that didn’t change the fact that he was a good general, a halfway-decent pilot, and the only one in the galaxy capable of calling him on his shit. “… I’d really rather not kill you. We could just _not_ go to Snoke, I suppose.”

 

Taking a long gulp from his beer to avoid talking, Hux allowed himself a small smile. “Sure, we’ll pack off to Coruscant and open up a coffee shop where we’ll only serve ruggedly handsome men, and soon become the business tycoons we’ve always dreamed of. Yeah, there’s no way the Empire will catch up to us within a couple of standard lunar cycles. We’ll adopt a family of hounds and name them after everyone your granddad ever divested of a limb, it’ll be _great_.”

 

“It’s not like I can’t force people to forget us, Hux.” And apparently, in Kylo’s mind, this has just gone from a complete hypothetical to a Serious Plan. There’s a reason they don’t let him plan things, namely that he relies on messing around in people’s heads too much.

 

“Ok, slow your roll, you haven’t even bought me dinner, and now you’re inviting me to go own a business with you and adopt puppies? I mean, sure, you’ll have to lose the helmet for good, but _this is a terrible idea._ The only fucking way I’m getting out of this alive is if we join up with your Mom on D’Qar and fight for her. And while I’ve got fuck all loyalty towards the Empire and the First Order, you’d probably have a problem with that.”

 

“Well, since Han Solo-“

 

“Just call him your dad, that’s super weird, Kylo.”

 

“Well, since I killed my _father_ -“ Kylo nearly spat the word out like it was acid. “I doubt I’d be very welcome.”

 

“I dragged your half-dead ass off the planet, someone could have very easily dragged his off as well. And you know that fucker was force-sensitive, right? He’ll come back as one of those glow-y blue ghosts, anyway.”

 

“They’ll kill me if I go back.”

 

“Not likely. Your mom may punch you, or something, but they won’t kill you. That’s, like, one of the big rebel things, y’know, not killing people if they fuck up? Blowing up space stations that can destroy planets? I mean, you’ll probably have to talk about your _deep soulful pain_ or whatever, and how _nobody understands_ , and how you _only know hate_. I am going to tell them every single fucking thing I know about the Empire and the First Order, because I’d rather not die slowly.”

 

Kylo pushed a hand back through his hair; absentmindedly, Hux noticed his roots were showing. “I’ve gone to far with the Sith to turn back now.”

 

Hux drained the last of his beer, and began peeling the label off the bottle. ”Can you do the finger lightning thing? Does your face sag because of all the evil brain shit you’ve got going on? Are your plans gonna be foiled by the antics of Ewoks? _Can you do the evil finger lightning thing?_ ”

 

“… No?” Kylo waved his hand in Hux’s direction, tensed his fingers suddenly, and looked very focused for around five seconds. “No, no lightning.”

 

“Only the super evil dudes do the lightening thing. Since you can’t shoot lightening outta your fingers, clearly you are a good guy.” The label of the beer tore, cutting off the top half of Count Dooku’s face. “Anyways, the rebels don’t really care if you’re kinda ambiguous on the whole light and dark thing. What’s that saying again, ‘only a Sith deals in absolutes’?”

 

“But I’ll have to deal with General Organa-“

 

“You just don’t want to deal with your fucking mom, stop distancing yourself from your goddamn family. Do what normal people who have issues do- repress them and resent them for life, don’t _revel_ in the fact you can’t look them in the eye without regretting the whole Sith thing. “

 

“I DON’T REGRET THE SITH THING!” Kylo sat up suddenly, and promptly ripped a few of the stitches on his side.

 

“The only reason you follow it is because you have this weird boner for your grandpa, and he was cute as a younger dude, and black is _totally_ his color, but still. One of his childhood friends was fuckin’ Jar Jar Binks, is that really a man you want to idolize? And let’s not even talk about that whole thing where he thought, ‘oh, I’ve just cut this kid’s arm off and told him his true parentage is my evil ass, he’ll totally want to help me take over the galaxy and kill all his friends’!”

 

“That’s not true!” Kylo said, baffled that Darth Vader could have had such poor choice in friends. “That’s IMPOSSIBLE!”

 

“Search your feelings, you know it to be true. “ Hux blew over the top of his now empty (and naked) bottle, grinning slightly as the noise reverberated through the small shuttle.

 

After a beat, he spoke again. “So, you want me to change course, or keep on going to my inevitable death? Because really I’d rather not do that?”

 

“Fine, whatever. Sure.”

 

“Great! Love the enthusiasm, there, Kylo.” He made his way up to the cockpit and adjusted their course. “Hey, did you know your mom totally made out with her brother?”


	2. Chapter 2

“Look, it’s not that hard, just call up your mom and say ‘whoops, killed dad and fucked everyone over, my bad, was just wallowing in angst, you know how that goes’”!

Kylo Ren glared at him, and briefly tossed around the idea of choking Hux to death with his unused seatbelt before abandoning the idea. Hux may be the most annoying person to have ever graced his presence, but he was also the only person in the galaxy who didn’t treat Kylo like he would up and murder anyone at the slightest provocation. “I can’t just say _that_!”

“Well, it’s not like it’ll make things worse, will it? I think we’ve gotten past the point where saying ‘I’m sorry’ will really, y’know, _fix things_. You’ve killed your dad, and authorized the murder of probably _millions_ of people, and wear a bucket on your head just for dramatic effect- you can’t just say something and make people forget that. Ooooh, and let’s not forget that pilot and your maybe sister who you tortured!”

“I don’t have a _maybe_ -sister! I would-“

“Stop with that ‘I have no personal connections because I know only darkness’ shit, Kylo. You have a sister.”

“No, I don’t. I think I would know if I had a sister, especially one who’s around my age, Hux. General Organa and Han Solo wouldn’t have just dropped her off on some desert planet that has none of the charm of Tatooine.”

“First off, dude, calling your parents by their first names? Still super weird. Secondly-oh shit“ Hux took a sip from the bottle in the cup-holder of the shuttle, and flicked a few switches quickly, taking them out of hyperspace. “Almost overshot into an asteroid field- you’ve got a point. But it wouldn’t make sense if you weren’t related. Maybe she’s you’re crazy uncle’s kid?”

“ _Why would it make sense if we were related_?”

“Well, it seems to me, that every single fucking catastrophe in this goddamn galaxy can be traced back to your family in some way. Look, nearly every war within the last 100 years can be traced back to daddy issues within your family, and that’s kinda fucked up, sure, but it is _indicative of a pattern_ , isn’t it?”

Kylo reached to the cupholder that sat between the two seats and took a sip from the bottle. “The galaxy isn’t governed by my family drama, there are other forces—is this beer? Are you drinking while taking us across the galaxy at _lightspeed_?”

“Excuse me for having a rough time right now. My career is dead, my life is in ruins, we are running for our lives, and you’re being an asshole about it, of course I’m drinking! Shit, it isn’t Corellian liquor; I am having one drink, and if you weren’t all sithly and sanctimonious, you would be drinking too!” Hux sighed and pushed a hand through his hair. “And for the record, yeah, it is pretty much the fault of your family, or the Jedi council deciding random shit like a clone army of Boba Fett’s dad will bring balance to the force.”

“Well, _maybe_ a clone army will bring balance to the force!” Kylo took another sip of Hux’s beer. The faded face of Count Dooku glared at him form the label. “And I’m not an asshole!”

“ _Riiiiight_. One Sith lord against hundreds of Jedi, and their millions of clones? So fuckin’ even, amiright?” He pried the beer from Kylo’s hands, took a sip, and gave it back. “Kylo, it’s time to face facts. You’re a colossal asshole sometimes. I mean, it works for you-“

“ _What?_ ”

“- but still, you kinda remind me of my 16 year old cousin who covered her entire room with posters of General Organa to piss off my uncle.”

“They made posters of her?”

“Yeah, dumbass. After the whole Endor thing, the resistance had a couple of pretty great years, and there were _tons_ of posters of your mom in that metal bikini-“

“ _What?_ ”

“Yeah, that poster was everywhere for a while. People got _super_ weird about her, and still are. Apparently, her aging like a normal person is some sort of personal affront? Fuck, man, don’t even get me started . Anyways, this wasn’t your mom in that godawful thing, it was one where she was crushing a model Death Star with her foot in front of an enormous symbol of the rebellion. “

“… I’m sorry, how is this relevant?”

“What I’m saying is, my cousin copes with her daddy issues better than you. Couldn’t you have just bought posters and screamed ‘You aren’t my _real_ Dad!’, like a normal person? It’s not like you’re _that_ -“ a harsh beeping from the console interrupted him. “- _oh shit_. You figured out how to apologize to your mom yet?”

“No, why?”

“Because the base is hailing us. You see that enormous blue thing over there?” As Hux pointed, Kylo took another sip of the beer and began to understand the whole ‘drinking to forget’ thing. “Yeah, dumbass, that’s D’Qar. You thought we came out of hyperspace for shits and giggles? I may seriously enjoy fucking with you, but I’m not gonna just actively sabotage our escape from the First Order to watch you flounder around at a beeping noise. _You_ aren’t the one that’s gonna die first, Kylo, you can still get about five more years of increasingly uncomfortable forced apprenticeship until you’re either gonna be killed or kill Snoke. And not that I don’t, like, trust your _evil sith powers_ or anything, but you killing him? Not fucking likely.”

The beeping continued, and Hux pressed a button next to the thruster. “ _Identify yourselves,_ ” a tinny voice said, echoing through the small cockpit, “ _or we shall be forced to take defensive action._ ”

Hux pressed a button on the console and began to speak. “Hi, I’m a fugitive from the Galactic Empire and have super detailed and up to date knowledge of their current plans, and I have Kylo Ren with me!”

Kylo was amazed at the face the former galactic general pulled- playing nice was not one of his strong suits, and that was made abundantly clear by the very long pull he took of his beer after speaking.

“ _I’m sorry, what was that last bit?_ ” There was a shuffling of papers and a mumbling of instructions in the background.

“Yeah, so I’m defecting and dragged Kylo with me- big mistake, he’s not very fun on long journeys – say hi, Kylo, your mom is probably listening.” He shoved the microphone at the other man.

“I’m not going to speak on command, I’m not one of those trained-“

“So that was Kylo, and he is _very sorry_ , _isn’t he_.” Hux cut a glare towards him and menacingly gestured with his nearly empty beer bottle. “We are looking to trade information for shelter, because the empire _really_ wants to kill us-“

“You.”

“- And I know a hell of a lot of high-level security codes that I will share with little to no persuasion, so…”

A different voice this time- just a tinny, but decidedly less out of their depth. “ _You have clearance to land. We very much look forward to your explanation of this, Be-Kylo._ ”


End file.
